Book Review: The Narcissist In Your Life - Julie L. Hall

Roughly 2-3 months ago, I ran away from/got kicked out of my mentally and physically abusive household, run by my adoptive mother, who I can now diagnose by proxy due to reading this book as an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and my adoptive father, who would be labeled as the enabler. When I first got away, I was really confused with my situation, what I was going to do moving forward, if anything would have even been worth it in the end. My best friend saw this happening, she could see me hurting, because she was going through something similar herself with her own father. She had purchased this book by Julie L. Hall that was all about having narcissists in your life in any way, whether that be a parent, partner, friend, boss, coworker, you name it. It explains the disorder itself, how to pick out the narcissists in your life, how to handle co-existence with a narcissist, and most significant to me at the time was how to go no-contact with a narcissist in your life and how to look at your future without them from a birds eye view.

She gave the book to me one day, and I instantly started reading. I kid you not, I had only finished the first paragraph when I had realized this book would change my entire thought process. I highlighted almost every single page. Everything explained my mother with spot on accuracy. Not only was I reading everything and seeing my mom and everything she put me through, but I also got an image of how others in her life have perceived her, things I've seen her do to others that I never really saw the problem with in the moment because I was raised to believe she could do no wrong, and if she did she had to have a good reason so to justify it. A narcissist is someone who physically does not hold the ability to truly love anyone, not even fully themselves. They believe they are superior to everyone and thing, and even believe they are above the law. They consistently victimize themselves and will unleash their wrath on anyone who dares disagree with them, voice a different opinion, accomplish goals, become more successful than them, and so on. The disorder itself cannot be medically diagnosed, like many personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, as people with NPD will likely have a facade for those who may threaten their self esteem if they see what goes on behind that mask. Most narcissists come across to others in a social setting as put together, cleanly, respectable individuals. They don't know how to self reflect, and therefore are unlikely to do so in therapy which makes it hard to see what's really going on and thus come up with an accurate diagnosis and solution.

 The book describes how children in a narcissistic household with multiple siblings will take on roles - ex. The scapegoat is the child who carried most of the hardships and are likely the first to blame for anything that goes wrong, etc, and the golden child is typically the main focus and the narcissistic parents see great fortune in them. I have now identified and labeled all my siblings with the roles that correlated with them when they grew up with my mother, based off of my own experience and what they've told me about theirs.

I mentioned my adoptive father being the enabler- let's break that down. An enabler is somebody who in essence gives the narcissist exactly what they want. They're brainwashed, trapped, head over heels and what not. They allow the narcissist to continue their behaviors and abuse by validating them, justifying their actions, speaking for them, or simply ignoring their antics or undermining them. A lot of the time it is not the enablers fault, nor the narcissist as it's a disorder that cannot be medicated or treated, and therapy may or may not benefit them. In fact, the book stressed that a therapist who is not experienced with NPD and educated on the disorder can enable a narcissistic patient by saying the wrong things, spreading misinformation, validating their actions, etc. Enablers can also be a spouse, family member, parent, golden child, boss, anyone in relation to a narcissist can enable them without even knowing. Enablers can also be referred to as a puppet or proxy, and the narcissist a parasite. This is because a narcissist uses enablers to bully, abuse, and mistreat those they see deserving of their harm. For example, a narcissistic parent may order their spouse to punish their child(ren.)

The Narcissist In Your Life by Julie L. Hall helped me cut contact with my parents and understand what was wrong with my mother and the way my life was living with her. I stopped blaming myself for her actions and the consequences I was the one receiving for those actions that were not mine to suffer from. I stopped asking myself why my parents don't love me, want me, or care. I realized they do, and that I don't hate my mother for putting me through everything, because she was not capable of showing love in any way besides hurt, envy, and manipulation. I now know that if i ever were to have kids, they will have a better life than I ever had, because I had my mother as an excellent role model as to what not to do when raising children. I now know I'm going to be okay, and that the abuse I went through does not nor will ever define me, only help guide me to better things.

I requested Ms. PJ add this book to our library catalogue, because I truly believe and hope that it will help someone, anyone, in a position anything like my own. I'm making my own sister read it to also understand what she went through. If you're struggling with a narcissist in your life, or if you think anyone you know or love or hate may have the disorder, please read this book.

Femme Rage

 Female rage has been a hot topic I've been seeing on social media nonstop for weeks now. As a woman myself, I know the feeling all too well. For me, it's when something happens to me that likely wouldn't have happened if I were a dude or at least male-presenting. I never knew what it actually meant until today when I searched it up.

The Google definition, by Her Campus, states:

"Feminine rage has been explained as an ancestral and inherited response to the struggles, oppressions and wrongdoings that women have been subjected to. I have seen feminine rage described as a compilation of the anger, that our ancestors were not able to express, that is passed down through generations."

PJ gave me an article to read about femme rage and different writers who express their experiences and emotions with it, personally and politically, through their work. What stuck out to me the most was the ideology that women should fit societal standards or their worth is not valuable, not enough. For decades, and still even to this day, misogyny can be seen everywhere you go. From TikTok to ex-boyfriends, especially that one uncle who believes a woman's sole purpose is simply to be a housewife and mother... And makes it very clear at every family gathering. This article particularly reminded me of my mother, who has always been someone to knock down women who did not fit the standards that were engraved in her mind. From appearance to lifestyle, she was always so quick to judge. (She also has NPD, so her mindset is pretty much that she is perfect and there is nobody superior to her.)

I don't think this particularly relates to what the article was about, but I just started thinking about how so many other women I see, in person and online, talk about other women in the same kind of way as the exact men they always complain about. When men do it, it's catcalling and gawking and feeling superiority over the girl they're criticizing. And it is. But I feel as though we've grown so accustomed to it, even bored of it, that we just shrug it off and/or flip them the big bird and move on with our hours. I usually don't feel personally attacked when it happens to me, because a) I know my worth and those pigs would be blessed to have even a penny's worth of it, and b) the world will forever contain at least a handful of men in every city who refuse to get with the program and respect the very beings that allow them life on this earth.

But I think it gets harder for men to respect women when there are so many WOMEN who don't respect women. I don't feel anything but disgust and annoyance when a man says anything in attempt to make a girl feel less than. But when it comes from another woman, it just hurts. Women fought and protested to be seen as equals, but how is that supposed to happen when we aren't treating each other as equals? We should be leading by example so everyone can get a grip. But when a girl tells another girl that what she's doing as a woman is unfeminine, ugly, disgusting, and wrong, she is no better than any man who she knows damn well have said the exact same lines to her when she walks down a street after dark. Femininity and masculinity are terms anyone can use to describe themselves. That's what equality is. Everyone should have the unspoken right to be any version of themselves without question or fear of judgment.

See that? See how I rambled on about my own thoughts of femanine rage? That was femanine rage.

I don't throw like a girl, I throw like a woman.

I have countless memories of her watching television shows and films, and just ripping the actresses and their characters to shreds if they looked like, acted like, or lived like anything my mother disagreed with. Whether that be sexual preference, the choice to be a full-time working mother instead of a stay-at-home caregiver, physical features that she saw as "unfeminine" and so on. We both like the Netflix reality show 'Too Hot To Handle," and we were watching the 4th season one night. One of the singles selected for the season was called Elys, and she was a blonde beach babe. She had the whole sunkissed clean girl, barely any makeup makeup, take her swimming on the first date kind of look. Her eyebrows were obviously laminated, as eyebrow lamination and business has become popular more recently. I remember my mom's exact reaction to her reveal to the show;

"Her eyebrows are so bushy, she has all this money and can't get them done?"

"Mom, she does, that's called eyebrow lamination. Lot's of people are doing it right now."

"Well, she looks like a boy. They're huge."

"*sigh* okay mom."

And for the entirety of the season, my mom HATED Elys. She would call her a bitch through the screen, as if she could hear her. When her and her bedmate would get into arguments or any conflict, mom would just pound her with insults and remarks, even if she was in the right!