Book Review: The Narcissist In Your Life - Julie L. Hall

Roughly 2-3 months ago, I ran away from/got kicked out of my mentally and physically abusive household, run by my adoptive mother, who I can now diagnose by proxy due to reading this book as an individual with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and my adoptive father, who would be labeled as the enabler. When I first got away, I was really confused with my situation, what I was going to do moving forward, if anything would have even been worth it in the end. My best friend saw this happening, she could see me hurting, because she was going through something similar herself with her own father. She had purchased this book by Julie L. Hall that was all about having narcissists in your life in any way, whether that be a parent, partner, friend, boss, coworker, you name it. It explains the disorder itself, how to pick out the narcissists in your life, how to handle co-existence with a narcissist, and most significant to me at the time was how to go no-contact with a narcissist in your life and how to look at your future without them from a birds eye view.

She gave the book to me one day, and I instantly started reading. I kid you not, I had only finished the first paragraph when I had realized this book would change my entire thought process. I highlighted almost every single page. Everything explained my mother with spot on accuracy. Not only was I reading everything and seeing my mom and everything she put me through, but I also got an image of how others in her life have perceived her, things I've seen her do to others that I never really saw the problem with in the moment because I was raised to believe she could do no wrong, and if she did she had to have a good reason so to justify it. A narcissist is someone who physically does not hold the ability to truly love anyone, not even fully themselves. They believe they are superior to everyone and thing, and even believe they are above the law. They consistently victimize themselves and will unleash their wrath on anyone who dares disagree with them, voice a different opinion, accomplish goals, become more successful than them, and so on. The disorder itself cannot be medically diagnosed, like many personality disorders such as Borderline Personality Disorder, as people with NPD will likely have a facade for those who may threaten their self esteem if they see what goes on behind that mask. Most narcissists come across to others in a social setting as put together, cleanly, respectable individuals. They don't know how to self reflect, and therefore are unlikely to do so in therapy which makes it hard to see what's really going on and thus come up with an accurate diagnosis and solution.

 The book describes how children in a narcissistic household with multiple siblings will take on roles - ex. The scapegoat is the child who carried most of the hardships and are likely the first to blame for anything that goes wrong, etc, and the golden child is typically the main focus and the narcissistic parents see great fortune in them. I have now identified and labeled all my siblings with the roles that correlated with them when they grew up with my mother, based off of my own experience and what they've told me about theirs.

I mentioned my adoptive father being the enabler- let's break that down. An enabler is somebody who in essence gives the narcissist exactly what they want. They're brainwashed, trapped, head over heels and what not. They allow the narcissist to continue their behaviors and abuse by validating them, justifying their actions, speaking for them, or simply ignoring their antics or undermining them. A lot of the time it is not the enablers fault, nor the narcissist as it's a disorder that cannot be medicated or treated, and therapy may or may not benefit them. In fact, the book stressed that a therapist who is not experienced with NPD and educated on the disorder can enable a narcissistic patient by saying the wrong things, spreading misinformation, validating their actions, etc. Enablers can also be a spouse, family member, parent, golden child, boss, anyone in relation to a narcissist can enable them without even knowing. Enablers can also be referred to as a puppet or proxy, and the narcissist a parasite. This is because a narcissist uses enablers to bully, abuse, and mistreat those they see deserving of their harm. For example, a narcissistic parent may order their spouse to punish their child(ren.)

The Narcissist In Your Life by Julie L. Hall helped me cut contact with my parents and understand what was wrong with my mother and the way my life was living with her. I stopped blaming myself for her actions and the consequences I was the one receiving for those actions that were not mine to suffer from. I stopped asking myself why my parents don't love me, want me, or care. I realized they do, and that I don't hate my mother for putting me through everything, because she was not capable of showing love in any way besides hurt, envy, and manipulation. I now know that if i ever were to have kids, they will have a better life than I ever had, because I had my mother as an excellent role model as to what not to do when raising children. I now know I'm going to be okay, and that the abuse I went through does not nor will ever define me, only help guide me to better things.

I requested Ms. PJ add this book to our library catalogue, because I truly believe and hope that it will help someone, anyone, in a position anything like my own. I'm making my own sister read it to also understand what she went through. If you're struggling with a narcissist in your life, or if you think anyone you know or love or hate may have the disorder, please read this book.